Making an Entrance

Sometimes, you have to really HAVE Faith to understand it.

For the past two years or so, financially things have been shit. In very intrusive "hey I am taking all the money out of your bank account with zero notice" kind of ways.

One of the things that kicked my ass was an old wound. When my ex and I first got divorced, we cashed out my retirement and split it 50/50. Apparently, our tax guy at the time forgot to include that in our taxes that year & my ex, of course, would not split the penalty with me. Needless to say, last year at tax time, I was traumatized. I sat in my accountants office sobbing. I owed even MORE money because I was so damn poor, I had adjusted my withholdings so that I could have more money per pay period, because I needed to live. My oldest had moved in with me full time and I was not getting support from anywhwere. I knew I would owe, but just how much floored me. So, last year I set up a payment plan for both of the years and got in to the process of paying it all off. Or so I thought.

Somehow when they added the amount owed from 2010 to 2008, the account got messed up at the IRS and good old Uncle Sam ass rammed my bank account sans lube, leaving me stranded at a gas station on my way to a doctor's appointment for my son. I had already had my account wiped clean before, due to identity theft, so I was in a panic. I stood there looking at the college age gas station attendant in tears and confusion. I kept saying "I put $1400 in this morning. This is wrong. This is wrong." He said "We take a good two weeks to cash checks, maybe just do that."

So I did. I finally got the situation handled. There IS ONE nice person at the IRS who sat with me on the phone in my car for 2 hours while my son was at his appointment. I was able to get some of my funds released. My parents wired me some money and I was able to breathe... a little.

The entire year seemed like this. Just raining bullshit and heartache. In fact, just last week, I sat outside in the rain with my friend, over wine and tears, and I told him "Faith is hard as hell, but it has to get better. You have to know that. Look at what Jesus had to go through. I know it is not the same, but the KNOWING part is, I think. Right?"

The next day I got a notice from the MN State of Revenue, saying I owe them $1000 or so from that same 2008 year and they were just getting around to noticing. I put my head down, said a few "mother fuckers" and poured me a glass of wine. The next day, my horoscope read that in April I would be getting notice that I "owed money to no one willing to negotiate - like the government." Ironically, spot on, it also read that I would get it turned around almost as soon as I was notified of it. To just hang in there and have faith.

Huh. Faith. Please. FAITH FAITH FAITH.

Yesterday, was my tax appointment day. I got in my car to travel 45 miles to my tax guy. He had given me some tips last year and I was hoping I did not owe any more money. I gathered up my paperwork and got in my car. I was terrified to drive so far because I had expired registration tabs/stickers on my car, the others had not arrived yet.

I shit you NOT, I had 5 cops behind me on the way there and NONE of them pulled me over. I got to my accountant's office, parked & looked up at the sky and said "Thank You. I hope this is a good sign." I went inside, presented my paperwork to my accountant & sat back. He said "Last year, you left in tears. Let's not do that again today, ok?" I said "It will probably happen again." He went through my paperwork, looked at me and said "Do you want to know the damage?"

I took a deep breath, nodded & sat back. I noticed he was smiling. "What?" I asked. He asked "Do you want the total of your refund...or do you want me to break it down by state and federal?" I reminded him of my back taxes and he smiled even bigger and replied "I know, it is all gone now, ya did good kid. You even have some left over for something for you. You must have listened to my advice." I bowed my head on his desk in tears, happy tears. I had not cried happy tears in what felt like forever. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you. It has been so hard, just thank you" I said it over and over again. I looked up and God and just kept saying thank you. It was all gone. Just like that. Damn.

I nearly skipped out of his office. I was glowing in tears and peace. I got in my car and screamed. I chanted, I "woo-hoo"ed, I thanked God, I could NOT believe it. After a few miles of God chat and thinking about Faith and how hard it had been, but I made it.

Ironically on Good Friday, I was getting this mesage. I apologized to God for my moments of doubt when Jesus got his ass whooped and had more Faith than I did. I thanked him and smiled up at the skies.

I leaned back in my seat, turned on the radio and at that moment "Have a Little Faith In Me" by John Hiatt ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UkKTlzyLhQ )came on the radio. I burst in to tears again driving. My heart nearly lept out of my chest & I felt more peace at that moment than I have in YEARS. "Ok, I got it, loud and clear!" I said outloud through my sobs, "MY BAD DUDE! I do, I have Faith."

God sure knows how to make an entrance.

Amen.

Happy Easter.