So - for those of you who do not know me, my name is Monica. I am passive aggressively referred to as "interesting" here in Minnesota. I am certain if you are from the south you would "bless my heart" or something- but if you ask me - I am a normal weirdo originally from California with good intentions and a story to tell. Obviously, we all have a story, mine is just cooler than yours. Just kidding - I know we live behind this fear of our truth and what people will think if we say it. Not me. Not anymore, anyway. In the words of the ever-wise scholar, Dr. Dre, I been there and done that. I physically cannot survive if I cannot say how I fucked up or if something is fucked up or I am fucked up. Cuz, news flash - life is fucked up. There is not one thing that happens to me that has not happened to one other person - so maybe this will help. In my experience, every time I share - someone changes. Someone thanks me. Someone feels less alone or more brave. If that is my super power - HELL YA!
Anyway - I just turned 38 years old, I have 2 kids and 2 dogs and a fiancé (Sam) - all boys. I want more babies - as many as I can. I think babies are a portal to God. I have been married and divorced more than once, I have been in foster homes and group homes and owned 3 homes and had no home and never ever once felt AT home... until now with my Sam.
In my life, I have been abused and raped an absurd amount of times and had terrible things that should never happen to anyone happen. But? They do not define me, but they sure fuck with me. I am self aware of this - especially the older I get. All I can do is try hard to block myself from sabotaging everything in my life and try to find a balance between addiction and this crippling neurotic anxiety that I am so so good at. I do truly believe that we are all beautiful mosaics comprised of the broken pieces of ourselves, but in order to be seen, those broken pieces must be exposed or -quite frankly, we will not ever truly be seen.
I did not wake up with this fantastic epiphany. I hid and have wasted lots of time trying to do things that were not meant for me and pretending shit was all good. They seems easier than the truth, than exposure. I tried to train for a marathon and HAHAHAHAHAHA! The good Lord said "no bitch, that's not for you". I tried to start my own business - also a "or naw". I tried lifting heavy weights, and instead I ended up with a back brace. A bedazzled one, but still "thats a no from me" (if Simon Cowell were God). For most of my life I have tried to do all these things and I literally was not great at MOST things. Ever try so many things and you suck at all of them? Well, in the words of Larry David, it feels pre-ttay pre-ttay terrible.
"Hey, Mon - why don't you write more? You are so good at it"<-- everyone. "No no - I am going to ignore that and keep doing other things that make no sense. Like run a marathon or do more things I hate and ignore the things I am clearly good at." <--- me
Well writing is scary - like , it's my LIFE and it's IN WRITING, for one. And for two, what if just sits in the internet? Know what that will feel like? Like a giant choir of melodic "FUCK YOU" or "WHO CARES" from all the deafening silence of nothing happening to your soul vomit. But, I have to try. Again. Once upon a time, or two or three or four - I tried to start and failed. They say the fifth time is a charm? (They is me and I just said it, so yes). The universe keeps telling me to keep trying and so I have to keep listening.
I have no idea how this will end. I DO know I am not a victim -so if you are looking for some blog to find a way to make you feel good about lingering in mediocracy - this is not it. Sharing my story makes me godamn victorious and I need that. And so do you. I don't know if I end up as the good guy or the bad guy in my story - but I know I have played both. I also don't know if this will have a happy ending or a tragic one, but I know it can't end without me sharing it. Too much has happened to not.
So - strap on your seatbelt - this is going to get weird.
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