Then, the longer I sat there, the more they carried on about their diets and "baby marks" and bad hair, I found myself feeling terrible about myself. I thought "Good LORD, if these women hate how they see themselves, what about me? Should I feel terrible? Well, shit - now I do."
Then I panicked. I hated everything. I hated my hair - it was too frizzy and sticking to my neck and face. I hated my make-up - I looked like a man, my eye-brows were too dark, my lips were too bright. I hated my butt - it was 4 of these models asses put together. And my boobs? Good GOD - I had enough to hand out to every one of them and still be left with some. But then, if I shared no one would fit in the clothes! All their clothes were XXS. I overheard one of them say "Ooooo the biggest we have is an XS"... WHAT? And why was I letting it make me feel bad? I don't know, but I was. And I wanted to go home.
My dear friend Linda showed up and gave me a reassuring hug and looked in to my soul (as usual) and said "Mon, it is still you under there, YOU are beautiful. YOU." Then my boyfriend showed up and gave me a big, long, much needed hug and kiss. Then text me as I walked to go check in at 10 PM for touch ups & said: "Don't be nervous. You are a beautiful and strong and(should be)confident woman"... not a girl - a woman. Huh. I have two children, I work hard and I work out everyday. I also have plenty to worry about, I do not need to worry about all of these things that were so unimportant to me a few hours prior. And yea, I AM me under all of this hair and make-up. *sigh*
The girl styling us, my dear friend Kim, had chosen in OUR group of "models" to dress everyday women. We all started with a white t-shirt and went from there. Mothers, girlfriends, wives, grandparents, students, etc. Just 7 normal folk who showed up terrified and ready to help a friend. It was not until right before I went on that it actually helped ME. After seeing my boyfriend and having a few drinks, standing in the stairway...waiting... I realized how much I actually started to love that we were all doing this. Some were chatty to hide the nerves, some stayed quiet, some just looked around, I think I actually said "I think I am gonna poop my pants". We were not models, we were regular everyday people being brave... for 3 minutes standing and walking in front of a group of people kinda saying "for the rest of you who cannot wear size 0 light-up dresses and barely cover your vagina - here is what the rest of us are wearing" (no offense to those of you who can wear that - good on ya).
I was terrified, I hated standing in front of all of those people. I hate that I hated myself for about 7 hours last night. I hate that I cried on the way home. I really hate that I had all these dumb girl feelings about it & had stop for a whiskey or 2 after the show all by myself to process. But, I did. ALL of those things I did. And it is okay, it is more than okay, it is beautiful. Exactly like this. Me. Me who is a size 8, mom, hard-worker, "strong and (should be) confident" me.
