No, this blog post isn't about celebrating the almighty ganj... this is about a different celebration.
April 20th was the due date of a child I did not have (see previous post) and has subsequently broken my heart. Yesterday I received tons of prayers, well wishes & virtual hugs. I got lots of advice, lots of attempts to preoccupy me & distractions.
I am forever grateful for those.
The most important...the most wonderful...the best thing about yesterday was a little girl. A little girl in yellow, one years old, just a few teeth, clinging to her mom. I'd seen her before, she was so shy & I believe she questioned my sanity even at her age. She had never smiled at me before. I needed her to. Her birthday was April 19th, when I thought of her, I thought of mine. Would mine have her mannerisms? Would mine be shy? Think I'm crazy too? They could've been playmates. We could've split birthday parties for a few years.
Yes, my brain gets carried away.
So, this little girl...she comes in with her mom, in her pale yellow dress. Spaghetti straps falling off her, the hair she has is curled up, she turns her head, her eyes fix on me. I pause in my step, smile & greet her, "Well, hello princess!" She stares at me for a moment, blankly...questioning my sanity... And then...
Smiles
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
A child.
This week marks the anniversary for the birthday of a child who isn't here.
A child who could've saved the world & saved us all from fear.
A child who never had a chance. A child who didn't have a name.
A child who may have been a boy...or a girl, but I'll never know. Such shame.
A child who never got to laugh. Or cry. Or coo in delight.
Or have a first birthday. Or face plant cake. Or keep me up all night.
A child whose eye color I don't know. Whose face I cannot see.
A child who would've been a far better person than me.
A child that I think of everyday. That I see in every baby.
A child I cant reach in every nightmare. A dream that I dream daily.
I hope you got my skin tone. Funny like mom. Creative like dad.
My curls. His smile. I really don't know. Just a face I wish I had.
I'm sorry we never met. One day we will & I hope you recognize me.
You may be gone, but the love I have, it never stopped growing inside of me.
A child who could've saved the world & saved us all from fear.
A child who never had a chance. A child who didn't have a name.
A child who may have been a boy...or a girl, but I'll never know. Such shame.
A child who never got to laugh. Or cry. Or coo in delight.
Or have a first birthday. Or face plant cake. Or keep me up all night.
A child whose eye color I don't know. Whose face I cannot see.
A child who would've been a far better person than me.
A child that I think of everyday. That I see in every baby.
A child I cant reach in every nightmare. A dream that I dream daily.
I hope you got my skin tone. Funny like mom. Creative like dad.
My curls. His smile. I really don't know. Just a face I wish I had.
I'm sorry we never met. One day we will & I hope you recognize me.
You may be gone, but the love I have, it never stopped growing inside of me.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Open letter to your version of reality
Dear asshole,
I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge my part in letting you in to my life.
Now that we have moved passed that. I'd like to shit on your version of reality.
Simply returning the favor.
See my version of reality was that you were kind. That you were my best friend. That you were human. I believed those things because that's what you presented. But, eventually, my version of reality was shit on by ACTUAL truth.
The truth is you are a lie. You have no truth. You haven't found it yet. How sad for you that my old truth...what I built you up to be... is better than you, the true you. But when you take me away. You are nothing. You are lost. You refuse to be anything because you live in fear. You chicken shit. You refuse peace because you prefer your miserable lonely existence. Stay there before you tear down another someone who is good. You suffocated someone & kicked them & held them down & humiliated them...someone who helped you breath, supported you & made you feel good.
Your version of reality...that any of that is acceptable..that you don't owe me a zillion apologies...that you shouldnt be kissing my white ass for not murdering your fucking face...is like you, a lie.
Love, Mon
I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge my part in letting you in to my life.
Now that we have moved passed that. I'd like to shit on your version of reality.
Simply returning the favor.
See my version of reality was that you were kind. That you were my best friend. That you were human. I believed those things because that's what you presented. But, eventually, my version of reality was shit on by ACTUAL truth.
The truth is you are a lie. You have no truth. You haven't found it yet. How sad for you that my old truth...what I built you up to be... is better than you, the true you. But when you take me away. You are nothing. You are lost. You refuse to be anything because you live in fear. You chicken shit. You refuse peace because you prefer your miserable lonely existence. Stay there before you tear down another someone who is good. You suffocated someone & kicked them & held them down & humiliated them...someone who helped you breath, supported you & made you feel good.
Your version of reality...that any of that is acceptable..that you don't owe me a zillion apologies...that you shouldnt be kissing my white ass for not murdering your fucking face...is like you, a lie.
Love, Mon
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Making an Entrance
Sometimes, you have to really HAVE Faith to understand it.
For the past two years or so, financially things have been shit. In very intrusive "hey I am taking all the money out of your bank account with zero notice" kind of ways.
One of the things that kicked my ass was an old wound. When my ex and I first got divorced, we cashed out my retirement and split it 50/50. Apparently, our tax guy at the time forgot to include that in our taxes that year & my ex, of course, would not split the penalty with me. Needless to say, last year at tax time, I was traumatized. I sat in my accountants office sobbing. I owed even MORE money because I was so damn poor, I had adjusted my withholdings so that I could have more money per pay period, because I needed to live. My oldest had moved in with me full time and I was not getting support from anywhwere. I knew I would owe, but just how much floored me. So, last year I set up a payment plan for both of the years and got in to the process of paying it all off. Or so I thought.
Somehow when they added the amount owed from 2010 to 2008, the account got messed up at the IRS and good old Uncle Sam ass rammed my bank account sans lube, leaving me stranded at a gas station on my way to a doctor's appointment for my son. I had already had my account wiped clean before, due to identity theft, so I was in a panic. I stood there looking at the college age gas station attendant in tears and confusion. I kept saying "I put $1400 in this morning. This is wrong. This is wrong." He said "We take a good two weeks to cash checks, maybe just do that."
So I did. I finally got the situation handled. There IS ONE nice person at the IRS who sat with me on the phone in my car for 2 hours while my son was at his appointment. I was able to get some of my funds released. My parents wired me some money and I was able to breathe... a little.
The entire year seemed like this. Just raining bullshit and heartache. In fact, just last week, I sat outside in the rain with my friend, over wine and tears, and I told him "Faith is hard as hell, but it has to get better. You have to know that. Look at what Jesus had to go through. I know it is not the same, but the KNOWING part is, I think. Right?"
The next day I got a notice from the MN State of Revenue, saying I owe them $1000 or so from that same 2008 year and they were just getting around to noticing. I put my head down, said a few "mother fuckers" and poured me a glass of wine. The next day, my horoscope read that in April I would be getting notice that I "owed money to no one willing to negotiate - like the government." Ironically, spot on, it also read that I would get it turned around almost as soon as I was notified of it. To just hang in there and have faith.
Huh. Faith. Please. FAITH FAITH FAITH.
Yesterday, was my tax appointment day. I got in my car to travel 45 miles to my tax guy. He had given me some tips last year and I was hoping I did not owe any more money. I gathered up my paperwork and got in my car. I was terrified to drive so far because I had expired registration tabs/stickers on my car, the others had not arrived yet.
I shit you NOT, I had 5 cops behind me on the way there and NONE of them pulled me over. I got to my accountant's office, parked & looked up at the sky and said "Thank You. I hope this is a good sign." I went inside, presented my paperwork to my accountant & sat back. He said "Last year, you left in tears. Let's not do that again today, ok?" I said "It will probably happen again." He went through my paperwork, looked at me and said "Do you want to know the damage?"
I took a deep breath, nodded & sat back. I noticed he was smiling. "What?" I asked. He asked "Do you want the total of your refund...or do you want me to break it down by state and federal?" I reminded him of my back taxes and he smiled even bigger and replied "I know, it is all gone now, ya did good kid. You even have some left over for something for you. You must have listened to my advice." I bowed my head on his desk in tears, happy tears. I had not cried happy tears in what felt like forever. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you. It has been so hard, just thank you" I said it over and over again. I looked up and God and just kept saying thank you. It was all gone. Just like that. Damn.
I nearly skipped out of his office. I was glowing in tears and peace. I got in my car and screamed. I chanted, I "woo-hoo"ed, I thanked God, I could NOT believe it. After a few miles of God chat and thinking about Faith and how hard it had been, but I made it.
Ironically on Good Friday, I was getting this mesage. I apologized to God for my moments of doubt when Jesus got his ass whooped and had more Faith than I did. I thanked him and smiled up at the skies.
I leaned back in my seat, turned on the radio and at that moment "Have a Little Faith In Me" by John Hiatt ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UkKTlzyLhQ )came on the radio. I burst in to tears again driving. My heart nearly lept out of my chest & I felt more peace at that moment than I have in YEARS. "Ok, I got it, loud and clear!" I said outloud through my sobs, "MY BAD DUDE! I do, I have Faith."
God sure knows how to make an entrance.
Amen.
Happy Easter.
For the past two years or so, financially things have been shit. In very intrusive "hey I am taking all the money out of your bank account with zero notice" kind of ways.
One of the things that kicked my ass was an old wound. When my ex and I first got divorced, we cashed out my retirement and split it 50/50. Apparently, our tax guy at the time forgot to include that in our taxes that year & my ex, of course, would not split the penalty with me. Needless to say, last year at tax time, I was traumatized. I sat in my accountants office sobbing. I owed even MORE money because I was so damn poor, I had adjusted my withholdings so that I could have more money per pay period, because I needed to live. My oldest had moved in with me full time and I was not getting support from anywhwere. I knew I would owe, but just how much floored me. So, last year I set up a payment plan for both of the years and got in to the process of paying it all off. Or so I thought.
Somehow when they added the amount owed from 2010 to 2008, the account got messed up at the IRS and good old Uncle Sam ass rammed my bank account sans lube, leaving me stranded at a gas station on my way to a doctor's appointment for my son. I had already had my account wiped clean before, due to identity theft, so I was in a panic. I stood there looking at the college age gas station attendant in tears and confusion. I kept saying "I put $1400 in this morning. This is wrong. This is wrong." He said "We take a good two weeks to cash checks, maybe just do that."
So I did. I finally got the situation handled. There IS ONE nice person at the IRS who sat with me on the phone in my car for 2 hours while my son was at his appointment. I was able to get some of my funds released. My parents wired me some money and I was able to breathe... a little.
The entire year seemed like this. Just raining bullshit and heartache. In fact, just last week, I sat outside in the rain with my friend, over wine and tears, and I told him "Faith is hard as hell, but it has to get better. You have to know that. Look at what Jesus had to go through. I know it is not the same, but the KNOWING part is, I think. Right?"
The next day I got a notice from the MN State of Revenue, saying I owe them $1000 or so from that same 2008 year and they were just getting around to noticing. I put my head down, said a few "mother fuckers" and poured me a glass of wine. The next day, my horoscope read that in April I would be getting notice that I "owed money to no one willing to negotiate - like the government." Ironically, spot on, it also read that I would get it turned around almost as soon as I was notified of it. To just hang in there and have faith.
Huh. Faith. Please. FAITH FAITH FAITH.
Yesterday, was my tax appointment day. I got in my car to travel 45 miles to my tax guy. He had given me some tips last year and I was hoping I did not owe any more money. I gathered up my paperwork and got in my car. I was terrified to drive so far because I had expired registration tabs/stickers on my car, the others had not arrived yet.
I shit you NOT, I had 5 cops behind me on the way there and NONE of them pulled me over. I got to my accountant's office, parked & looked up at the sky and said "Thank You. I hope this is a good sign." I went inside, presented my paperwork to my accountant & sat back. He said "Last year, you left in tears. Let's not do that again today, ok?" I said "It will probably happen again." He went through my paperwork, looked at me and said "Do you want to know the damage?"
I took a deep breath, nodded & sat back. I noticed he was smiling. "What?" I asked. He asked "Do you want the total of your refund...or do you want me to break it down by state and federal?" I reminded him of my back taxes and he smiled even bigger and replied "I know, it is all gone now, ya did good kid. You even have some left over for something for you. You must have listened to my advice." I bowed my head on his desk in tears, happy tears. I had not cried happy tears in what felt like forever. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you. It has been so hard, just thank you" I said it over and over again. I looked up and God and just kept saying thank you. It was all gone. Just like that. Damn.
I nearly skipped out of his office. I was glowing in tears and peace. I got in my car and screamed. I chanted, I "woo-hoo"ed, I thanked God, I could NOT believe it. After a few miles of God chat and thinking about Faith and how hard it had been, but I made it.
Ironically on Good Friday, I was getting this mesage. I apologized to God for my moments of doubt when Jesus got his ass whooped and had more Faith than I did. I thanked him and smiled up at the skies.
I leaned back in my seat, turned on the radio and at that moment "Have a Little Faith In Me" by John Hiatt ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UkKTlzyLhQ )came on the radio. I burst in to tears again driving. My heart nearly lept out of my chest & I felt more peace at that moment than I have in YEARS. "Ok, I got it, loud and clear!" I said outloud through my sobs, "MY BAD DUDE! I do, I have Faith."
God sure knows how to make an entrance.
Amen.
Happy Easter.
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