Open letter to my ex's dog

Dear Rico,

I am so sad that you will never know this or be able to read it, I just hope that somehow in your own dog way you feel how much I love you. I mean I really love you and it makes me so sad that I don't get to see you anymore. I miss you so much already. You were one of the few things that connected with my soul just by being near you. I am gonna miss so much about you... walking in and you bouncing around on your hind legs scratching the mother fuck out of me pawing for some love. I am gonna miss you begging for food at the table with your ears standing straight up in anticipation of me caving in. You, taking over my lap when I was trying to work and convince me with those big eyes that napping and snuggling was a far better idea. Your kisses, GAWD your kisses - they would have lasted forever if I let you. They were the slobberiest and wettest most ridiculous kisses and they were anywhere you could get em... my mouth, my feet, my hands, my shoulder - whatever, just KISSES. I am going to miss you snuggling under the blanket and crawling almost inside my anal cavity at night. Our fights for the spot on the couch or the bed or the pillow, which eventually led to a compromise of snuggles. Playing with you outside, running around the fire-pit fighting over a stick (that eventually made you puke...usually at 5A), or chasing each other inside over one of your 700 toys that you needed to bring out all at once. You were so tough... but then if you accidentally bit me, you would realize it and immediately kiss me to death as if you were saying "sorry sorry sorry". Such a good boy. Dancing in the morning after dad left for work to Bruno Mars, he did not want you to like that song... but you LOVED it.

I will even miss your farts, Rico. Your smelly Rico butt... because it was you. I am going to miss you digging on the bed for a better spot. I am going to miss you needing that treat before I left. Road trips and car rides. Walks around the block... you are gonna get a rabbit someday buddy, I just know it. I am sad I never got to teach you to swim, I know your dad will tho' and I know you are gonna love it! Don't go too far tho', ok?

Couple things before I wrap this up, ok? Don't forget me... please. Be nicer to the mailman, he is just doing his job. Stop eating your dad's boxers, if you must - keep it in the room, it is really not something you want people to know you do. Don't ever let KC or ANY dog get the best of you. You run things. Even if you go home and weep or nap for days, don't ever let them know. Do not listen to the idiots either, you are not an asshole democrat. You are the most amazing spirit I have ever come across in my life and I miss you so much already. Do not ever change. I love you bud and I hope I can see you again someday.

Mono, Break-Ups and a Mother's Worst Nightmare.

So, let's go back to Tuesday when everything was awesome and I was sitting at Crave with my boyfriend, enjoying sushi and drinking a beer for happy hour. Things were good, no, they were great. We had just talked a few days ago about moving forward with our relationship and were pretty direct about how we felt about each other. He told me he loved me for the first time and I was pretty excited about life and just... happy.

Then, Wednesday morning I woke up in his bed to his dog face kissing me. I had not slept well AT ALL the night before, I looked at Sam (my boyfriend) and asked if he had slept as horribly as I did. He said "Yea it was terrible". Some cloud of awful had snuck in the window and decided it was going to fuck my life right in the ass. Then I felt it, my throat was on fire. I reached for my water and drinking it was excruciating. I rolled over on my side, snuggled up with the puppy and tried to sleep a bit more. The next thing I knew, Sam was standing over me, kissing me goodbye before he left for work. We said we would chat later, as we typically text all day everyday... at least every 2 hours or so. He is my best friend, we talk all the time.

As the day went on, I got progressively worse and hazy and sweaty. I was really sweaty. I mean, aggressive sweaty and my throat was just an asshole. FUCK it hurt so bad. I told Sam I was miserable and just wanted to sleep, at this point I was still chalking it up to the lack of sleep from the night before. By 8:00 I was dozing in and out of consciousness on the couch and text Sam that I was going to bed. We exchanged our kissy face emoticons and I crashed. At about midnight, I woke up drenched and my throat was just aching. I tossed and turned and eventually worked up enough energy to go in my bed. On my way, I grabbed the thermometer and threw it in my mouth. 101.3... yikes. I sent a picture of it to my boss and said I would not be working the next day. I was surprised she replied, but she did. (My boss is also one of my best friends) She said I needed to go in to the ER, she gave some valid reasoning and I was off.

I got there at about 2:30 AM. I was immediately taken back, the nurse took a throat culture and then I sat waiting for about 45 minutes. When the doctor finally came in, he gave me about 2 - 3 minutes of his time. My throat culture was negative for strep, he guessed it was viral which you cannot do anything for...my body just had to fight it. He agreed to give me a "magic mouth wash" (no shit - that is what it is called) that numbs your throat. It actually does not numb shit, it tastes like a bag of smashed assholes and makes your throat tickle for about a minute.

I went home and tried to rest and could not. My fever was not breaking, my throat was not quitting and I was feeling worse an worse. I was shaking and sweating and crying because everything ABSOLUTELY everything hurt. I got up the next morning with NO sleep and took my son to hockey camp. I went home and collapsed in my bed. I sweat, I cried, I shivered, I cried, I slept and I drooled... A LOT. I could not swallow my own spit my throat was so swollen. As time progressed, I was not able to breathe. I lay there with my mouth open as much as possible gasping for air because my throat was so swollen. What in the fuck is going on? I was terrified and tired and sick. Really really sick. I told my boyfriend that I was freaking out a little and he was really busy at work. I snapped at him at one point... it was a really long snap because I fell asleep about 4 times texting him my frustrations with his inability to respond to my pain. Later, I of course apologized for being sensitive, I knew he was at work, I just was really scared and oversensitive because I was tired. I decided to call it a night before I hated the world. I did not sleep again. More of the same: sweating, shivering, throat pain...misery.

The next morning I got up to do the mom thing again and I could barely move. I was freezing and shivering so hard, but I got him fed and off to camp. As I was coming back home, I got a message from my friend and I told her what was going on. She said the same thing had happened to her and it was viral tonsillitis. She also said they gave her a steroid for her throat swelling that helped. As we were messaging, I looked in the mirror and there were awful spots all over my tonsils. I was terrified. I immediately began googling and webmding myself to an early death. I decided I was going back to the ER. I got there and was taken back pretty quick and the doctor came in and said "I think you have mono". WTF is mono? She explained to me that it is a viral disease that incubates in your body for up to 2 months before showing it's self. It stems from some word that I don't remember but initials are "EBV" and 96% of America has it in them, just not everyone flames up. It is stored in the mouth and nose. So anywhere anyone sneezed, sweat, drooled, etc... I could have gotten it. Sharing a glass, shaking hands with a nasty mother fucker, being sneezed on... who knows. Wherever I was 2 months ago, I guess.

Apparently, mono is a big fucker. It knocks you out, and "you are gonna need help". I was told stories of people being out for months. I asked if we could check to be sure this was mono, she said yes - but not until 4-5 days after your initial symptoms will it show in my blood stream. So... Monday. I asked if my kids were at risk, if my boyfriend was at risk and how would I get any help. She said it was not that contagious, she said if I was super concerned, that I could have someone come clean the house top to bottom, but she said as long as no one came in contact with me, it was fine.

Well fuck that, I called up Molly Maids and had them come over right away. They scrubbed everything except my room. Everything. I want this thing gone. Bye. Peace. Laters.

I told Sam what the doc said and asked him to bring over popsicles and jello and soup. He said he would be over after work with it. He was and he looked at me and said "Mon, if you need me this weekend, I will be here." My heart jumped, I am not good about asking for help, ever and here was my man stepping up. Not afraid, and there for me, like he promised he would be in our talk. He stayed for a bit and told me he would pick out some movies and be there after his bike ride. I told him I would order pizza... thin crust with pepperoni - his favorite. I told my boys he was coming and they were pumped. I was beyond happy, this was a step for us. A positive step. I sent my girlfriends a text saying "guess whose awesome boyfriend is staying this weekend to help me out?"... until...

The next morning I woke up and Sam text me asking how I was feeling. I thought wow, that was nice. I had started to wonder because he had not really asked, so that was nice. I said that my fever had broken, but other than that, I still felt like shit. I said I felt more drained and tired than the day before but sleeping felt impossible. He asked if I still wanted help because mono terrified him. I was confused by this and said that yes, I had been counting on it. He proceeded to tell me that he had only asked to help because he was "trying to be nice". He said he did not want to come over because after seeing me so miserable he did not want to get sick. I started frantically looking up information showing that unless he touched me, he was fine. I sent him screenshots of information, I told him I had the house clean, but all he had was excuses.

He started asking what he would be doing anyway and that sitting around waiting for something to help with while avoiding touching me sounded horrible. I started to panic, I had told everyone I did not need help and now I was alone. I also could not believe it. Get a mask, but please don't do this to me, not now. He decided not to come, I tried to call him and he ignored it. I called back, he ignored it again. And again. I text "please don't disappear again, please." He had done this before for 2.5 months and then again recently over a silly argument. In our talk that I spoke of earlier, I made it clear that it was the worst for me, it terrified me. He replied "I want to be alone". So, I did not reply.

After 7 hours, he still had said nothing. I had forced my kids to help me with these things and my youngest looked at me and said "Where's Sam?" I said "Buddy, he did not want to get sick." He looked at me and said "Well no one WANTS to get sick, but I guess I thought there were some things more important than worrying about getting sick." I lost it. My son looked at me crying and asked "Where are your sheets?" They were in the dryer, I was just out of energy and did not want to fall down the stairs. I told him where they were. He went to check on them and they were not dry yet. He grabbed a blanket and put it over me and kissed my forehead proudly. I told him I was sorry he had to see me this way and he said it was not my fault and walked out of my room.

I decided I needed to call Sam and understand. It had been plenty of time for whatever space he needed for whatever reason. Protip guys: Martyring yourself is not hot. So I called and it rang and rang and rang and with each ring I prayed he answered. because I knew if it got to voicemail that it was done. And I did not understand. I had been a good girlfriend and I realized I may not ever know why this was happening. I left a message that probably was not anything but sobs and "Why??" and "This is not fair" that sounded a lot like elmo because my throat was so swollen. I hung up and sobbed. After almost 3 years, my boyfriend was gone. Just gone.

I waited another hour, and by waiting I mean I cried and fell in and out of consciousness on my floor for an hour, and then decided to email him. I told him I was sad, I told him I was confused and I told him that I loved him. I said I had been a good girlfriend. I said had never done anything but love him and that I did not deserve this and I deserved to be loved back. I told him I did not hate him, I told him I was madly in love with him and that if he could not love me back that he needed to be gone forever, because I deserve that. I did not want to be a fool for loving someone so much and I felt like one. I told him it was up to him and attached a link to a song and sent it.

I then obsessed over the internet and seeing if I could tell if he read it or not. There was no way to tell. I checked Facebook to see if that little bastard green light was on to see if he was online. It was not on and then that made me in to guano bitch thinking "He is never not online - wtf - who is he with? Why is he not on his phone - he is always on his phone!" I started freak texting my friends about it and then realized I looked like a mad woman and needed to exhale. So, I did.

My oldest son recently had been in trouble and I figured now was a good time as any to finish going through his phone to see if he was up to anything. I was not prepared for what I would find. I found... well... parts of my son that no mother wants to see doing things no mother wants to see. Ever. And lots of them. Posted to a website that he would allow access to perfect strangers to see. I lay there. With no sheets at 1AM. Sobbing. My son, what was he doing? He was not even home, I had allowed him to go with a friend to his house with his parents to a bonfire for good behavior. What the hell is this? Oh my God. JUST Oh my God.

I closed my eyes and I prayed. And exhaled... again. Then I dry heaved for a while. And cried some more. I eventually stopped and just stared at the wall. At some point I fell asleep and my youngest must have woken up to pee. He had apparently snapped a picture of me asleep and then turned my light off. I woke up as he hit the light and I turned around startled and just looked at him. "Sorry mom" he said and was holding Tony's phone. I said "Give me that, what are you doing?" He said he had taken a picture and posted in on Instagram, but it was not meant in malice. I smiled at him and said it was ok and I plopped my head back down on the pillow.

He again grabbed a blanket and put it over me and kissed my forehead. I told him AGAIN I was sorry he had to see me this way and he reminded ME again it was not my fault and walked out of my room. This time he stopped and turned to me and said "None of it is your fault mom. Sorry I woke you up, it is all gonna be ok."

And I believed him. I stopped crying, closed my eyes and I slept... for 4 straight GLORIOUS hours. I slept. It is now 6P, I still have not heard from Sam, my son just got home from work and is cooking dinner for his brother, my sister and girlfriends have rallied around bringing me smiles. A few friends have stopped by with food and hugs. I said "Don't hug me - you might get sick!" - they just hugged me tighter. I just cried harder. I could not believe what had happened in such a short amount of time. I still don't. But, I believe my son, it will all be ok. It has to.

I don't know what the moral of the story is yet, maybe that life can change in a second. I am not sure, but, less than a week ago - Sam loved me, I was healthy and I was blissfully unaware of what my son was doing online. Life. Is. Crazy.