You know what is harder than publicly signing up to do something terrifying? Realizing that you can’t actually do it.
I stood up and told the entire universe that I was running a marathon and I thought THAT was soooo brave. Saying I was going to do something so crazy and amazing and people telling me how awesome that was weekly –how cool was that? Hearing “Good for you” on the regular – was such a good feeling. Harder Better Faster Stronger - had my ego almost Kanye sized.
Guess what was also cool? Even MORE cool? Being able to do it for a good cause. The fact that I was going to be able to do this for children in Africa made me feel like I had purpose. It got me through every single run. It motivated me to get up and run when I really prefer couch time. I am in relocation mortgages so my days are spent with people who make more in one month than I do over a 6 month period. Doing something daily that was giving back to this world made me feel like Captain Good Samaritan Pants. Like Mother Teresa woulda stamped that and said “good on ya, ya crazy hefer”.
And now I cant.
I cannot even tell you how sad this makes me. I trained really really hard – I did everything right. I juiced, I drank ALL the water and I ran SO MUCH. GOD, I wanted to. God, on the other hand, did not want me to.
So…what is harder than saying I am going to do something crazy?
Not doing it.
Trying to hold your head high when you just want to explain away why you cannot to everyone who asks how training is going or if I am excited for the marathon. Quitting something you genuinely wanted to do. Feeling like you suck – sucks.
I know this is not the right way to look at it tho, so I changed my mindset. Quitting and walking away from something that is not meant for you that you REALLY WANT is hard but it is ALSO really really brave.
Too many people stay in unhealthy situations because they are too proud to say “I can’t do this” – whether relationships, jobs or marathons. It is HUMBLING to have announced to everyone that “THIS IS THE THING!” (whether that thing is a human or a job or a task or whatever) – then it not being the thing. BUT? Instead of seeing this through negative Nancy’s crotchety ass-bifocals, I need to realize that what I have is the opportunity to publicly say I quit. To say I chose me. I chose my family, my health. My training accomplished what it needed – I did some amazing things. I learned amazing lessons. I raised what I aimed to and for 26 kids in Africa, they will have clean water for life because in just the last 3 months, I have ran over 150 miles which has somehow inspired my friends and family to donate to my team and this fantastic cause. TWENTY SIX CHILDREN!!! If you can change one person – you win. I changed 26. We changed 26. Aside from that – I have my personal accomplishments- new personal records – I ran 16 miles one day. 16 is a fuck ton of miles for a 38 year old broad to do. I increased my mile time. I ran my fastest 5K. All these things are really awesome.
The ego is a tricky bastard and there is no room for it when it comes to things that really matter. It is ok to walk away from things that shit on your shine and it is important as a human being – especially in this Facebook driven day and age to admit that too.
So, I bid adieu to my marathon and in the words of yet another wise scholar, Ice Cube- “Bye Felicia”.
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